It's just that kind of day..

I figured maybe I should do a real update!

1. I got into residence. Chancellors 412 and Melissa is with me too! :c) I'm kind of excited to be in Chancellors (but don't want to get too excited incase they switch it.) But Brittany and Kristen are both in Chancellors and I think I will spend more time with them on weekends and such now that we're in the same building. But I don't really want to think of North Bay or school right now, because I'm really enjoying my "summer".

2. I've been working at subway and hanging out with my friends a lot. Vanessa's friend Stephanie came down from Barrie for a week so I spent a couple days hanging out with them. I also have plans with Deanna and Kaitlyn this weekend, but so far, I've just been hanging out with Richard. Last night, we were supposed to go bowling, and I kind of dreaded it because I was so tired from work, but I had promised him I wouldn't ditch him. We went to the bowling alley but there was no bowling (pfft as if) so we were going to see a movie in Sudbury but it was 9pm so it was already late so we just drove to the Island instead. It was actually good, he actually talked a lot. At one point he was like, "stop me if I'm talking a lot" and I explained how it was okay, but in my head I was just like thank you! Because before we'd hang out and I'd just ask questions and we'd just go silent. But it was funny how shy he was about coming to and into my house. Today we're going to go see Shrek 3 and possibly move some of his stuff from residence to his apartment. It was funny because I got all dressed and my Mom was like, "you're not wearing that" so she re-dressed me (though I did the same to her and Dad when they were going out the other night) and then she was like, "don't you want to look good on your date?" And I was like, "we're just friends" for like the millionth time! But she just keeps saying how we're "dating" and how he's so cute. He's really nice..but it's Richard..sadly enough, I just don't know if I could ever see him that way. It's like, in the story I'm writing right now..
The part goes something like this:
"She broke up with me because she said she needed someone who made her feel like she had reached the highest star in the sky and she said with me, she felt like she was settling for a simple star that anyone could reach."
It's not that I want to chase someone or anything, although in the past I keep falling for someone I could save; but, I just mean that I want to feel like I'm with someone who is more than I ever wanted..not just simply what I wanted. If that makes sense.

3. So when I'm not working, I mainly just watch taped shows, read, play harvest moon, or write my story.

I am reading (and by reading I mean began reading it today and will have it finished tonight) a book called The Sunflower by Richard Paul Evans. It's a book about two girls who are friends that travel to Peru where they work at orphanages and have free time to explore the sites they visit. One of the main characters, Christine, meets Paul Cook who runs the orphanage, The Sunflower, and they fall in love in that quick cute way that happens in a lot of books like this. But Paul Cook is a great man, I think if it was possible to love a fictional character, I would say he was the one. And now I'll show you why, because of his quotes that the author so carefully placed between each chapter, quotes from Paul Cook's diary.

*"As much as I have schemed and planned to the contrary, the most central experiences of my life have all been accidents."
*"Tonight I sat under the stars with Christine. I am not sure which was more potent: what she said, how she looked, or how I felt in her presence."
*"I have tried to settle back into my routine, but it hasn't been easy. I wonder how one woman and three days could so change my world."
*"Last night I had a nightmare. Christine and I were hiking in the jungle when we somehow became separated. She was frightened and I could hear her calling to me. I slashed at the foilage with my machete but I could not get through. There was just too much between us."
*"I took Christine out to the lake, hunting crocodiles by moonlight. She returned to camp exhilarated by the experience. We never feel more alive than when our existance is uncertain."
*"Each moment with her has carried her deeper into my heart. She is afraid I'll leave her. How could she know that I cannot bear the thought of being without her."
*"We carry around in our heads these pictures of what our lives are supposed to look like, painted by the brush of our intentions. It's the great, deep secret of humanity that in the end none of our lives look the way we thought they would. As much as we wish to believe otherwise, most of life is a reaction to circumstances."

I guess I'm not as strong as I thought, all I can do is cry to you.
Ok..I have to attempt to explain this. It all starts with last night when I got home from North Bay, saw my Mom and started to cry. Don't even ask me why, I am going to attempt to explain, although I think there might be an alien in my stomach making it hurt as well as controlling my tears without my awareness. My Mom asked why I decided to come home for the weekend instead of stay in North Bay for the weekend, and I said, "because I'm like 10." (I don't like being away from home.) Then I started to cry and she just kind of laughed, thinking the tears were just a strange fluke, and she asked me about this and that. Then she came downstairs as I was eating and watching tv and was faced with more tears. She just kept asking questions, trying to figure out what was wrong, but the thing was, I didn't know. Then I had a bath and right when I thought I was better, she came in my room and I cried. And we watched tv while I cried and that's when it all started to come to the surface.

The way that it was and could have been surrounds me.
A lot of the problem is that North Bay is different than I expected. It's not terrible, it's not great, it's somewhere in between. The first thing is that I wanted to make all these new friends, I was so excited to meet new friends. Somewhere in September, I began to realize how extremely hard this was when everyone seemed to have friends and peer groups already, without me in them. However, I managed to get a few e-mails and that anyway and started to cheer up a bit. But the problem was, I don't drink, and all weekend activities centered around drinking, and I would look pretty stupid going and not drinking. So I didn't. I stayed in. And it sucked because those friends I did make like Kyla and Brittany worked on the weekends. And then there were friends like Allison and Laura who would go home for the weekends. So the friend thing was different than I had hoped for, and then things like my marks were lower than ever, and being away from home sucked a lot more than I thought..and then it all began to change.

'Cause I promised myself I wouldn't fall, but here I've fallen.
It started to change after December. Over Christmas, I really started to enjoy being at home and the time seemed to go so fast. I also started to question everything: being in North Bay, becoming a teacher, taking the courses I was taking. I thought a lot about transferring to Laurentian because it'd be closer to home and I know more people from Espo around Sudbury. But when I got my marks, even though they were lower, they were 70s and that made me stop questioning. I realized I liked my classes, and even some of my professors, and that North Bay did seem right afterall. But I was still getting really homesick. I was still lying down at night holding my teddy and the tears would come for missing home. I planned more visits home. I tried to get into hanging out with friends more. Brian invited me to the Powers and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get to know some people and make a "North Bay" family. Except he ignored me, and I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines (it's ok Laura, it wasn't your fault! <3 I should have known to talk to you more..silly me.) But the Powers did seem really nice and welcoming and I kept that in mind. When I was weak and homesick still, Brian invited me again, and he ignored me again, and enough was enough. Everyone there was so nice but I couldn't really accept that the person inviting me was treating me the way he was. It fell apart, and I think along with it, went my hopes of making friends. Then I made friends with Laura out of the situation which seemed to be a little light at the end of the tunnel and we even hung out one night at her place.

You're afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
So I decided to make a change. I said, this is ridiculous, well not really, but I knew something had to change in order to make me enjoy being in North Bay. I started my poetry club and I planned more friend outings. I got the cold/flu/ear infection and that sucked a lot. I came home for a week, went back for a bit and then had reading week, went back ready to start fresh. Things started to "heat up" with Adam, on my end. I made plans with him too. And then I got sick, and everything crashed. All my hopes came crashing down. I couldn't do anything I wanted. I spent time at home being in pain, and time in emerg and went through a bunch of tests. And I just, I know it's horrible to get sick, but it was hard on me..and it basically ruined my hopes and ruined my semester..dropped my marks..and thinking back, I think I only spent 6 or 7 weeks in residence this semester.

Maybe it’s all gone black but you’re all I see.
Adam was another crush of mine where I put a lot more hope into what I wanted him to be, rather than who he was. At first, the crush developed really fast, like it had with Brian and Sean. But Adam started to be really there for me. Before I got sick, I had stayed up late at night just to talk to him (bad idea..bodies like mine need sleep.) And when I got sick, he was really there, he always seemed really concerned and he asked the right questions and said the right things. It was going really well. I even didn't mind him talking about his crush, I thought it was really cute. But then, as I explained it in my diary, "And he tried to push me away and I tried pulling him in and I’m not sure where we ended up." He kept trying to push me away, saying he had to handle the things in his head on his own, and at first I pushed him to talk about until I had a night where I just wanted to be alone..and that's when I realized that I was pushing too much so I apologized. Then the other day, he said it was time to change his life, time to stop letting people walk all over him and time to tell this crush of his he liked her. Except she doesn't like him back, and I was really afraid that realization would send him into a breakdown or something. I'm not sure how he is. He's never around, he's sleeping or at his friend's house down in chancellor's..a couple nights ago he drank with a bunch of girls there..and occassionally he's studying. And we haven't talked. I only know what I know because I read his names. And I lost him I think, and the funny thing is, I don't really care. It sounds really really bad but I'm starting to realize that I don't know him. I was putting all my hopes into him and I don't think he lived up to those. I'm not saying I won't give him a chance. For now, it's summer anyway and maybe in September we'll become closer again, but for now, it was just a hope that I don't really have the energy to hang out anymore.

I think I'm just scared that I know too much.
I don't really know what else to say. It's been a really rough year and I'm not really sure how to look at such a rough year and sweep it under the carpet. I realize that getting sick wasn't my fault, but it sure has made me a different person, and caused me to lose who I am along the way. I'm just not sure how to take everything and forget about it. I'm not sure how to move past it. I mean one of my biggest goals is to just finish, because next year, there are going to be some things I need to change. I need to get involved, I'm creating my poetry club, joining another club, Kendra Newton will be living at Canadore, hopefully hang out with Laura more, and even some of my other friends. And even though I'm reconsidering my major and con-ed, I think I love English too much to switch it. I can keep taking psychology, because I think I want to go into counceling, so I can do that with my other stuff and see.

Things have the weirdest feeling when they are ending. At high school, when a class is ending for the semester, I believe I thought "thank you God." At university, it's a different feeling, an undescribable one. You look around at the people you know, and the people you don't, and the ones you wish you knew. For example, there's a guy in my history class who looks so much like Ky. I just remember in first semester, it was like a link between the past and the present. And today, I had to walk past him a few times to sit with Allison and at the end, I asked him if he'd like me to take his questionnaire to the front and he gave it to me and thanked me, and I felt like this time I was connecting the present to the past and what could be in the future all in one tiny moment. Then there was history seminar, where I went to a different one to get the review my class wasn't going to do (because we're a week behind) and there was the guy with orange curly hair that I think is the cutest guy in the world. He seems really quiet and he usually sits alone and it makes me really sad, partly because I didn't have the courage to go sit with him, and partly because I was sitting with other friends. And he was there, and at one point, the professor said something about how I'd have to go through EVERY folder to find my work, and I was like "oh boy!" and he looked right at me and laughed. And I was just all happy he noticed me back.

So it's different, things feel complete and incomplete all at the same time. You're sick of being in these classes, all of a sudden the funniest professor isn't so funny to you anymore, the most cheerful professor isn't so cheerful to you anymore, English doesn't seem so interesting (just repetitive themes, it's time for new reads), and psychology just makes you yawn instead of making you curious about so many things in the world.

You see all the people around that you normally do, but you don't feel like saying your name anymore. Sure, you still say hello to people and hold doors open for them, but you're not really as into it anymore. You're doing it because it makes you feel good about yourself, whereas before that feeling was mixed with the feeling of wanting to meet people. Now, you just wonder what's the point when you're going to be living in a thousand different places for four months and no one will be able to come visit.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to come home more than anything. It's just a little funny how many times I catch myself saying "I just want to go home" these days. And that feeling is there because I don't like being stuck in between things. I don't like being stuck inbetween hellos and goodbyes. I hate that I can't really meet anyone, because we're all leaving. And I know every other student is feeling a similiar way. They want their classes to end, they want their exams to end, maybe they don't want to leave friends/relationships behind, but they also don't want their classes to continue on forever just so they can stay and be here with people (I don't think).

And of course the school year is shorter which seems really strange. We deserve our early summer so much, but it's a little strange to see the t-shirts in my closet and go "uh why'd I ever pack these?" I mean I was here for fall (cold), winter (colder), spring (cold)...why in the world did I ever think I needed so many springy/summery clothes!? In other words, we're going on "summer" holidays when it's not really summer. So much has happened to us, for us first years we put on completely new shoes and had to learn how to walk all over again, finding who we are in this new place and establishing friends and enough to keep us going through the days, but now it's ending.

But wasn't there some saying about how every ending brings a new beginning? I think so. I mean, it's strange to think first year is almost over but it's nice in a sense. I accomplished a lot this year. I got sick, unfortunately and some things went wrong but it was all just the path I took. One thought I had the other day was..there comes a time when you have two paths to choose from (two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both *Robert Frost*). And you stand there by yourself for a long time and think. You try to see what you can of the paths. You walk a few steps in each direction. But, eventually, after weighing each option, you choose one. And sometimes you can walk along this whole darn path until getting to the end and realizing it's a dead end-and you should have taken the other. But, sometimes it's worth it to have that lesson in hand right? Next time you choose, you'll have the knowledge of knowing one could be worthless and the other could contain so much. Even the dead end one could contain so much. I know I'm rambling here and not making any sense, but what I mean, is that I chose Nipissing, and though I wondered at times whether I was in the right place, I think in the end I realized I was/am. The path may have been bumpy at times and sure there is a lot of twigs someone should have picked up along their way, and a lot of parts that could have been more clear, but when I got to the end point, when I got to where I am now, at the end, I'd still turn around and choose this path again. The bumps and twigs can be moved the next time I travel the path. :)

I can stand at the dead end now and think of everything that went wrong and what I would do differently, or if some things were simply out of my hands, too tough to control. But I can decide some goals, which twigs are worth picking up and which ones should simply be left.

Right now, I want to choose that other path, one that leads me back to summer. One that leads me back into my past, living back at home and spending time with friends from home, working at a job I love with people I know, walking around a little town that you can walk from one end to the other, swimming in the pool, laying out in the sun, reading and writing. :) And it's so close I can feel it, but I'm not quite finished this path yet.

This is crazy. I need these kinds of dreams to stop. You've guessed it, another dream about the all too famous him. Which is crazy. I haven't even thought of him other than the few times he drifts into my head and then drifts out, to be replaced by my reading. We haven't even talked in a few days now, I've been avoiding him, and it's working out really well because he's been out with his friends a lot. But, there it is, I close my eyes thinking I can move on so easily from what I know is the idea of him I like, not so much who he is, because I really don't know enough about him. But I guess when the darkness overtakes me, so do the memories of how much he was there for me at a difficult time, and how I ran to him and he said all the right things..

The dream went like so:
I was in college and my roommate was Amanda Massicotte (and maybe some other people, not sure). Anyway, we had to do this thing where we had to watch some kids, and I was supposed to be at the back of the line-up of kids. Except I was in the middle, and I kept getting yelled at by her and the other girls to stay at the back. I didn't want to stay in the back so I kept venturing to the middle. Finally, they just yelled a lot. The kids disappeared from the dream and all it was was me fighting Amanda, with the other girls still watching. I was holding her hands back and kicking her. It went on for a long time and the girls watching didn't do much. Then, it seemed we were fighting like that forever. The girls started yelling that enough was enough and to let go. Except I wouldn't listen. I took my shoes off and kicked Amanda in the face with my sock feet. Then the girls REALLY started yelling, because I kicked her just below the eye, and I could have really hurt her. They just kept yelling things like why would I do that, and couldn't I see I could have hurt her and took out her eye. I finally let her go. I looked at everyone, and I just ran out of the room. I went down the dorm hallway to 204 and knocked, looking for Adam. ( Then, I realized I was at the wrong door, someone yelled come in but I ran away and went to 208. I knocked again, and someone answered the door, his roommate, I was almost in tears but managed to spurt out shaky words "is Adam here?".."yeah..ADAM!!!" his roommate yelled and Adam came out of one of the four bedrooms. Everything was in slow motion as I watched him walk towards me and I walked towards him, we met half way between the front door and his room door and I just threw myself into his arms, crying all sorts of tears and shaking and sobbing. I just held him as tight as I possibly could, and buried my head into his shoulder. He held me there for a long time, just letting me cry and cry. I finally settled the crying and pulled back, he looked at me and said, "what's wrong?" I took his hand and led him to the couch. He put his arm around me and I repeated the story. When I was finished talking, he went over to the kitchen and started doing dishes. I remember thinking it was weird he didn't say anything and wondering if he was really truely there for me. I started to feel self-conscious about being there and running to him. "Is it okay if I stay here just for a while? I don't think I could go back there just yet, you know, just until I cool off and they cool off, or else we'll go back to what I left." He continued his kitchen work and just said, "it's okay, stay, I understand." Then I woke up.

It was the strangest dream ever. I mean, one minute, Adam was everything I needed and the next, he was being distant and I was wondering why I was there. And in a sense, it's just like real life, for a while there, he was everything I needed, and now, we're different, we're distant. Is it possible to need someone too much, so much that you accidently push them away..?

There are a few things in my life that keep me going when things get rough: friends, music, books, the beauty of nature, etc. There were two main things getting me through lately, music, until I discovered that no song really says how I feel anymore. First of all, for a song to say everything you're feeling, you kind of have to know what it is you're feeling. When you're in a mood like I have been where you just want to hide away from everything that exists, and from all the sounds of the world going on without you, and you want to block them out along with the sounds you know you enjoy-like the sound of your favourite song..that's when a good book comes in handy. That's when you can curl up in your room and read and hide away from your life and from your problems, and lose yourself in someone else's life just for a little while..just for a chapter, and then another, and then another, and you can add what the character is learning to what you're learning about yourself through this quiet, because you just need this silence to overtake you for a little longer until you can go into the world and say this is who I am. For now, you just thank the silence that overtakes the room, and thank the blanket for being so darn comfortable, and you can just be here in the silence..and not feel alone..that's what I've been missing and hence, that's what I've spent my days hiding away for (other reasons too but let's not even bring them to the surface when they are already tucked below.)

I love my headphones and my ipod too for that matter. I love that lately I can pick it up and play songs I've discovered somehow. Songs that say exactly how I'm feeling in the words I couldn't put my feelings into. I love that I can put it on and walk to class admiring the sunshine and the view of the trees, the sky, everything. I love the look people give me, the same look I used to give to people wearing headphones, a look of wonderment regarding which song they were listening to, and whether they had them on to avoid people, or just to forget the pain of this day or just because they have too much silence in their life as is. I started bringing my ipod at random moments, when I knew I'd be walking home with a setting sun and darkness would be trying to capture the world, and I just couldn't bear to be overwhelmed by that darkness without having something there to save me. Now, I bring them because my music gets me through the days and walking by myself seems too difficult to bear. I'd rather have the music in my ears than the hum of conversation from people who have boyfriends/girlfriends or just plain friends to walk with.

And today I learnt another reason why I love my headphones so much, because when I run into the him of the now, a soft hum of music in my ears that's telling me a story, a story that becomes ours, can play through our conversation, our first words in person, our we happened to run into each other, our looking for things to say and smiling all along..my realization that if I was myself and better...I'd be flying into the universe, overwhelmed by little butterflies of feeling..and that comes..but a lot of it is overtaken by the hum of the music.

The first song that we talked through on our first meeting today was Goo Goo Dolls-Iris.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything is made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

The second song that we talked through, when we had our random conversation during the second time I saw him today was Sister Hazel-Your Mistake.
Without you, I'm not right, I'm not fine,
I wanna be rain that tastes like wine,
I wanna be good, I wanna be great,
I wanna be everything except for your mistake.

And then..when I looked out the window I was like "hey that guy is really cute" and then I looked behind that guy and there HE was haha, weird indeed, and the song Goo Goo Dolls-Let Love in was playing.
There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in.

I'm finally going to post this entry even though him and I pretty much entered friend zone. Although we were always in friend zone, but I refused to admit it. And then tonight he started talking to me about his crush again and it was REALLY cute. And I kind of like what we are..or what we're becoming.

I'm sick, I'm a mystery, this is not what I write about though.

I write about him. The dreams I had about him. Not only do I have crazy imaginations like what it'd be like to be his..but at night when it's dark and the sky is left with only the moon and the specks we call stars..I'm left with dreams of him when I'm awake and then when sleep overtakes my sick body, it sends me into the whirlwind of emotions I was attempting to escape.

The first one was about a week ago. We were in this classroom, sitting beside each other, and out of no where, he started to cry. And I remember looking over to him, and then all these emotions overtook me, and I grabbed a hold of his hand, and I held it tight. And he looked down at our hands linked together with the cutest look on his face. And I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, "it's going to be okay."

Last night was..we were dating and we were at this play thing, except he was sitting with his friend and I was like 3 seats away. For the first part of the play, I didn't realize he was sitting there. Then some people moved and I saw him so I started poking him to get his attention. He was ignoring me until his friend pointed out that I was poking him and he just said hey. Then the dream switched and I was sitting on this couch with him. I was sitting with my knees up though and he was still ignoring me for his friend. Then, I started crying. And then:
He said: "Kare..what's wrong?"
Me: "Nothing, nothing, I'm just tired."
Him: "You said that last night too, when we were on the phone, you left at like 9 because you said you were going to go to bed because you were tired, you can't still be tired, there must be something else wrong. Tell me what's wrong hun."
Me: "I just..you've been ignoring me, all day, you've been ignoring me. And something just feels different..for the last few weeks in this relationship, something has felt different, and I'm starting to realize that you don't want to be with me anymore."
Him: "What? That's not true."
Me: "Then why am I feeling this way? There has to be a reason."
Him: "There's a lot going on in my family right now.."
Me: "Really?"
Him: "Yeah.."
Me: "Oh, okay, I'm sorry hun."
And then he kissed me.

I've been sick, as everyone knows, and I've been kind of losing myself to whatever this is. I eat a little, I sleep A LOT, and I talk to a few people. But something has been different. Normally I go around picking up everyone when they fall, only now I'm the one falling, I'm slipping, I'm falling down, slipping away, disappearing. I know a lot of people would disagree with me and I thank everyone who has been there but I'm just not sure anymore. I told my friend I was losing myself, that I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. It's like I'm floating through life, I'm there but I'm not really there. When he asked me why I felt like I was losing myself, I didn't know. I mean I'm sick, so I sleep a lot, and it's really making me think something else is going on..I mean it seems like something is wrong with my stomach obviously, it wouldn't hurt for 2 + weeks for nothing..but the sleeping..and the skipping classes (because I'm too sick to go and can only do too much with my limited energy) and the sleeping in and going to bed early and sleeping late..none of it seems like me. And I know it's stupid because I know you're allowed to be like that when you're sick..but I feel like there is more to it than that.

So I had some really strange dream last night. Now, those of you who know me well would say I always do but they seem to get stranger when I'm on meds. So, I'm pretty sure I was back in North Bay at residence and my roommates were talking to me and for some reason, I was showing them pictures of the guy I like right now. And then, for some reason, I decided to take a picture of him and a picture of me and make it a picture of us standing together. And then I put it in my MSN icon thing. Anyway, I guess a while later, he was planning on coming over so I knew I had to delete the pictures of him and the new one of us or he'd be weirded out. So I ended up deleting all of my pictures and I only had like two left..and I remember one was of shoes. But then, something happened, where I was like being arrested for something? For deleting my pictures?? And I remember I was really sad because I had deleted them all and I was scared I'd never get them back so I hoped they were still on my camera. And that's all I really remember..bits and pieces.

Anyway..I'm still sore..the meds help the stummy soreness but I get a pain in my ribs and in my right side plus headaches sometimes. I know, it's a long list, you cure one thing but you get another.

Anyway, when I was in the hospital, my nurse was really nice to me. His name was Mike and he took care of me all night (as his job) but he also just was really good with everything. And well, I never ever want to be in that situation ever ever again, but without him, it would have been a lot harder to stay calm that night. So I haven't written too many poems but this one was inspired by my hospital visit..

The walls bleed too much white paint,
there is a scratch by my arm in the wall,
and a broken hanger ready to fall.
This bed screams sickness, not health,
and everyone here carries worried faces,
but that is expected in these cases,
when your loved one is lifeless and small,
and stuck to count the marks on the wall,
while you wait and make a million calls.
But they wait to return from their dream,
but they are okay because they can't think anymore,
and thoughts are normal when the nurse comes through the door;
because they think crazy things to themselves,
they want the nurse to stay, to talk, to be there,
they wonder if they should fix their hair.
I told you it was normal though it may be mad,
but we all just want to be loved and held,
even if we're okay with the cards we've been dealt.
We're silly and we're human and not alone,
it may be a small broken down room,
but I'll be waiting, my nurse will be here soon.