It's just that kind of day..

I figured maybe I should do a real update!

1. I got into residence. Chancellors 412 and Melissa is with me too! :c) I'm kind of excited to be in Chancellors (but don't want to get too excited incase they switch it.) But Brittany and Kristen are both in Chancellors and I think I will spend more time with them on weekends and such now that we're in the same building. But I don't really want to think of North Bay or school right now, because I'm really enjoying my "summer".

2. I've been working at subway and hanging out with my friends a lot. Vanessa's friend Stephanie came down from Barrie for a week so I spent a couple days hanging out with them. I also have plans with Deanna and Kaitlyn this weekend, but so far, I've just been hanging out with Richard. Last night, we were supposed to go bowling, and I kind of dreaded it because I was so tired from work, but I had promised him I wouldn't ditch him. We went to the bowling alley but there was no bowling (pfft as if) so we were going to see a movie in Sudbury but it was 9pm so it was already late so we just drove to the Island instead. It was actually good, he actually talked a lot. At one point he was like, "stop me if I'm talking a lot" and I explained how it was okay, but in my head I was just like thank you! Because before we'd hang out and I'd just ask questions and we'd just go silent. But it was funny how shy he was about coming to and into my house. Today we're going to go see Shrek 3 and possibly move some of his stuff from residence to his apartment. It was funny because I got all dressed and my Mom was like, "you're not wearing that" so she re-dressed me (though I did the same to her and Dad when they were going out the other night) and then she was like, "don't you want to look good on your date?" And I was like, "we're just friends" for like the millionth time! But she just keeps saying how we're "dating" and how he's so cute. He's really nice..but it's Richard..sadly enough, I just don't know if I could ever see him that way. It's like, in the story I'm writing right now..
The part goes something like this:
"She broke up with me because she said she needed someone who made her feel like she had reached the highest star in the sky and she said with me, she felt like she was settling for a simple star that anyone could reach."
It's not that I want to chase someone or anything, although in the past I keep falling for someone I could save; but, I just mean that I want to feel like I'm with someone who is more than I ever wanted..not just simply what I wanted. If that makes sense.

3. So when I'm not working, I mainly just watch taped shows, read, play harvest moon, or write my story.

I am reading (and by reading I mean began reading it today and will have it finished tonight) a book called The Sunflower by Richard Paul Evans. It's a book about two girls who are friends that travel to Peru where they work at orphanages and have free time to explore the sites they visit. One of the main characters, Christine, meets Paul Cook who runs the orphanage, The Sunflower, and they fall in love in that quick cute way that happens in a lot of books like this. But Paul Cook is a great man, I think if it was possible to love a fictional character, I would say he was the one. And now I'll show you why, because of his quotes that the author so carefully placed between each chapter, quotes from Paul Cook's diary.

*"As much as I have schemed and planned to the contrary, the most central experiences of my life have all been accidents."
*"Tonight I sat under the stars with Christine. I am not sure which was more potent: what she said, how she looked, or how I felt in her presence."
*"I have tried to settle back into my routine, but it hasn't been easy. I wonder how one woman and three days could so change my world."
*"Last night I had a nightmare. Christine and I were hiking in the jungle when we somehow became separated. She was frightened and I could hear her calling to me. I slashed at the foilage with my machete but I could not get through. There was just too much between us."
*"I took Christine out to the lake, hunting crocodiles by moonlight. She returned to camp exhilarated by the experience. We never feel more alive than when our existance is uncertain."
*"Each moment with her has carried her deeper into my heart. She is afraid I'll leave her. How could she know that I cannot bear the thought of being without her."
*"We carry around in our heads these pictures of what our lives are supposed to look like, painted by the brush of our intentions. It's the great, deep secret of humanity that in the end none of our lives look the way we thought they would. As much as we wish to believe otherwise, most of life is a reaction to circumstances."

I guess I'm not as strong as I thought, all I can do is cry to you.
Ok..I have to attempt to explain this. It all starts with last night when I got home from North Bay, saw my Mom and started to cry. Don't even ask me why, I am going to attempt to explain, although I think there might be an alien in my stomach making it hurt as well as controlling my tears without my awareness. My Mom asked why I decided to come home for the weekend instead of stay in North Bay for the weekend, and I said, "because I'm like 10." (I don't like being away from home.) Then I started to cry and she just kind of laughed, thinking the tears were just a strange fluke, and she asked me about this and that. Then she came downstairs as I was eating and watching tv and was faced with more tears. She just kept asking questions, trying to figure out what was wrong, but the thing was, I didn't know. Then I had a bath and right when I thought I was better, she came in my room and I cried. And we watched tv while I cried and that's when it all started to come to the surface.

The way that it was and could have been surrounds me.
A lot of the problem is that North Bay is different than I expected. It's not terrible, it's not great, it's somewhere in between. The first thing is that I wanted to make all these new friends, I was so excited to meet new friends. Somewhere in September, I began to realize how extremely hard this was when everyone seemed to have friends and peer groups already, without me in them. However, I managed to get a few e-mails and that anyway and started to cheer up a bit. But the problem was, I don't drink, and all weekend activities centered around drinking, and I would look pretty stupid going and not drinking. So I didn't. I stayed in. And it sucked because those friends I did make like Kyla and Brittany worked on the weekends. And then there were friends like Allison and Laura who would go home for the weekends. So the friend thing was different than I had hoped for, and then things like my marks were lower than ever, and being away from home sucked a lot more than I thought..and then it all began to change.

'Cause I promised myself I wouldn't fall, but here I've fallen.
It started to change after December. Over Christmas, I really started to enjoy being at home and the time seemed to go so fast. I also started to question everything: being in North Bay, becoming a teacher, taking the courses I was taking. I thought a lot about transferring to Laurentian because it'd be closer to home and I know more people from Espo around Sudbury. But when I got my marks, even though they were lower, they were 70s and that made me stop questioning. I realized I liked my classes, and even some of my professors, and that North Bay did seem right afterall. But I was still getting really homesick. I was still lying down at night holding my teddy and the tears would come for missing home. I planned more visits home. I tried to get into hanging out with friends more. Brian invited me to the Powers and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get to know some people and make a "North Bay" family. Except he ignored me, and I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines (it's ok Laura, it wasn't your fault! <3 I should have known to talk to you more..silly me.) But the Powers did seem really nice and welcoming and I kept that in mind. When I was weak and homesick still, Brian invited me again, and he ignored me again, and enough was enough. Everyone there was so nice but I couldn't really accept that the person inviting me was treating me the way he was. It fell apart, and I think along with it, went my hopes of making friends. Then I made friends with Laura out of the situation which seemed to be a little light at the end of the tunnel and we even hung out one night at her place.

You're afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
So I decided to make a change. I said, this is ridiculous, well not really, but I knew something had to change in order to make me enjoy being in North Bay. I started my poetry club and I planned more friend outings. I got the cold/flu/ear infection and that sucked a lot. I came home for a week, went back for a bit and then had reading week, went back ready to start fresh. Things started to "heat up" with Adam, on my end. I made plans with him too. And then I got sick, and everything crashed. All my hopes came crashing down. I couldn't do anything I wanted. I spent time at home being in pain, and time in emerg and went through a bunch of tests. And I just, I know it's horrible to get sick, but it was hard on me..and it basically ruined my hopes and ruined my semester..dropped my marks..and thinking back, I think I only spent 6 or 7 weeks in residence this semester.

Maybe it’s all gone black but you’re all I see.
Adam was another crush of mine where I put a lot more hope into what I wanted him to be, rather than who he was. At first, the crush developed really fast, like it had with Brian and Sean. But Adam started to be really there for me. Before I got sick, I had stayed up late at night just to talk to him (bad idea..bodies like mine need sleep.) And when I got sick, he was really there, he always seemed really concerned and he asked the right questions and said the right things. It was going really well. I even didn't mind him talking about his crush, I thought it was really cute. But then, as I explained it in my diary, "And he tried to push me away and I tried pulling him in and I’m not sure where we ended up." He kept trying to push me away, saying he had to handle the things in his head on his own, and at first I pushed him to talk about until I had a night where I just wanted to be alone..and that's when I realized that I was pushing too much so I apologized. Then the other day, he said it was time to change his life, time to stop letting people walk all over him and time to tell this crush of his he liked her. Except she doesn't like him back, and I was really afraid that realization would send him into a breakdown or something. I'm not sure how he is. He's never around, he's sleeping or at his friend's house down in chancellor's..a couple nights ago he drank with a bunch of girls there..and occassionally he's studying. And we haven't talked. I only know what I know because I read his names. And I lost him I think, and the funny thing is, I don't really care. It sounds really really bad but I'm starting to realize that I don't know him. I was putting all my hopes into him and I don't think he lived up to those. I'm not saying I won't give him a chance. For now, it's summer anyway and maybe in September we'll become closer again, but for now, it was just a hope that I don't really have the energy to hang out anymore.

I think I'm just scared that I know too much.
I don't really know what else to say. It's been a really rough year and I'm not really sure how to look at such a rough year and sweep it under the carpet. I realize that getting sick wasn't my fault, but it sure has made me a different person, and caused me to lose who I am along the way. I'm just not sure how to take everything and forget about it. I'm not sure how to move past it. I mean one of my biggest goals is to just finish, because next year, there are going to be some things I need to change. I need to get involved, I'm creating my poetry club, joining another club, Kendra Newton will be living at Canadore, hopefully hang out with Laura more, and even some of my other friends. And even though I'm reconsidering my major and con-ed, I think I love English too much to switch it. I can keep taking psychology, because I think I want to go into counceling, so I can do that with my other stuff and see.

Things have the weirdest feeling when they are ending. At high school, when a class is ending for the semester, I believe I thought "thank you God." At university, it's a different feeling, an undescribable one. You look around at the people you know, and the people you don't, and the ones you wish you knew. For example, there's a guy in my history class who looks so much like Ky. I just remember in first semester, it was like a link between the past and the present. And today, I had to walk past him a few times to sit with Allison and at the end, I asked him if he'd like me to take his questionnaire to the front and he gave it to me and thanked me, and I felt like this time I was connecting the present to the past and what could be in the future all in one tiny moment. Then there was history seminar, where I went to a different one to get the review my class wasn't going to do (because we're a week behind) and there was the guy with orange curly hair that I think is the cutest guy in the world. He seems really quiet and he usually sits alone and it makes me really sad, partly because I didn't have the courage to go sit with him, and partly because I was sitting with other friends. And he was there, and at one point, the professor said something about how I'd have to go through EVERY folder to find my work, and I was like "oh boy!" and he looked right at me and laughed. And I was just all happy he noticed me back.

So it's different, things feel complete and incomplete all at the same time. You're sick of being in these classes, all of a sudden the funniest professor isn't so funny to you anymore, the most cheerful professor isn't so cheerful to you anymore, English doesn't seem so interesting (just repetitive themes, it's time for new reads), and psychology just makes you yawn instead of making you curious about so many things in the world.

You see all the people around that you normally do, but you don't feel like saying your name anymore. Sure, you still say hello to people and hold doors open for them, but you're not really as into it anymore. You're doing it because it makes you feel good about yourself, whereas before that feeling was mixed with the feeling of wanting to meet people. Now, you just wonder what's the point when you're going to be living in a thousand different places for four months and no one will be able to come visit.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to come home more than anything. It's just a little funny how many times I catch myself saying "I just want to go home" these days. And that feeling is there because I don't like being stuck in between things. I don't like being stuck inbetween hellos and goodbyes. I hate that I can't really meet anyone, because we're all leaving. And I know every other student is feeling a similiar way. They want their classes to end, they want their exams to end, maybe they don't want to leave friends/relationships behind, but they also don't want their classes to continue on forever just so they can stay and be here with people (I don't think).

And of course the school year is shorter which seems really strange. We deserve our early summer so much, but it's a little strange to see the t-shirts in my closet and go "uh why'd I ever pack these?" I mean I was here for fall (cold), winter (colder), spring (cold)...why in the world did I ever think I needed so many springy/summery clothes!? In other words, we're going on "summer" holidays when it's not really summer. So much has happened to us, for us first years we put on completely new shoes and had to learn how to walk all over again, finding who we are in this new place and establishing friends and enough to keep us going through the days, but now it's ending.

But wasn't there some saying about how every ending brings a new beginning? I think so. I mean, it's strange to think first year is almost over but it's nice in a sense. I accomplished a lot this year. I got sick, unfortunately and some things went wrong but it was all just the path I took. One thought I had the other day was..there comes a time when you have two paths to choose from (two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both *Robert Frost*). And you stand there by yourself for a long time and think. You try to see what you can of the paths. You walk a few steps in each direction. But, eventually, after weighing each option, you choose one. And sometimes you can walk along this whole darn path until getting to the end and realizing it's a dead end-and you should have taken the other. But, sometimes it's worth it to have that lesson in hand right? Next time you choose, you'll have the knowledge of knowing one could be worthless and the other could contain so much. Even the dead end one could contain so much. I know I'm rambling here and not making any sense, but what I mean, is that I chose Nipissing, and though I wondered at times whether I was in the right place, I think in the end I realized I was/am. The path may have been bumpy at times and sure there is a lot of twigs someone should have picked up along their way, and a lot of parts that could have been more clear, but when I got to the end point, when I got to where I am now, at the end, I'd still turn around and choose this path again. The bumps and twigs can be moved the next time I travel the path. :)

I can stand at the dead end now and think of everything that went wrong and what I would do differently, or if some things were simply out of my hands, too tough to control. But I can decide some goals, which twigs are worth picking up and which ones should simply be left.

Right now, I want to choose that other path, one that leads me back to summer. One that leads me back into my past, living back at home and spending time with friends from home, working at a job I love with people I know, walking around a little town that you can walk from one end to the other, swimming in the pool, laying out in the sun, reading and writing. :) And it's so close I can feel it, but I'm not quite finished this path yet.

This is crazy. I need these kinds of dreams to stop. You've guessed it, another dream about the all too famous him. Which is crazy. I haven't even thought of him other than the few times he drifts into my head and then drifts out, to be replaced by my reading. We haven't even talked in a few days now, I've been avoiding him, and it's working out really well because he's been out with his friends a lot. But, there it is, I close my eyes thinking I can move on so easily from what I know is the idea of him I like, not so much who he is, because I really don't know enough about him. But I guess when the darkness overtakes me, so do the memories of how much he was there for me at a difficult time, and how I ran to him and he said all the right things..

The dream went like so:
I was in college and my roommate was Amanda Massicotte (and maybe some other people, not sure). Anyway, we had to do this thing where we had to watch some kids, and I was supposed to be at the back of the line-up of kids. Except I was in the middle, and I kept getting yelled at by her and the other girls to stay at the back. I didn't want to stay in the back so I kept venturing to the middle. Finally, they just yelled a lot. The kids disappeared from the dream and all it was was me fighting Amanda, with the other girls still watching. I was holding her hands back and kicking her. It went on for a long time and the girls watching didn't do much. Then, it seemed we were fighting like that forever. The girls started yelling that enough was enough and to let go. Except I wouldn't listen. I took my shoes off and kicked Amanda in the face with my sock feet. Then the girls REALLY started yelling, because I kicked her just below the eye, and I could have really hurt her. They just kept yelling things like why would I do that, and couldn't I see I could have hurt her and took out her eye. I finally let her go. I looked at everyone, and I just ran out of the room. I went down the dorm hallway to 204 and knocked, looking for Adam. ( Then, I realized I was at the wrong door, someone yelled come in but I ran away and went to 208. I knocked again, and someone answered the door, his roommate, I was almost in tears but managed to spurt out shaky words "is Adam here?".."yeah..ADAM!!!" his roommate yelled and Adam came out of one of the four bedrooms. Everything was in slow motion as I watched him walk towards me and I walked towards him, we met half way between the front door and his room door and I just threw myself into his arms, crying all sorts of tears and shaking and sobbing. I just held him as tight as I possibly could, and buried my head into his shoulder. He held me there for a long time, just letting me cry and cry. I finally settled the crying and pulled back, he looked at me and said, "what's wrong?" I took his hand and led him to the couch. He put his arm around me and I repeated the story. When I was finished talking, he went over to the kitchen and started doing dishes. I remember thinking it was weird he didn't say anything and wondering if he was really truely there for me. I started to feel self-conscious about being there and running to him. "Is it okay if I stay here just for a while? I don't think I could go back there just yet, you know, just until I cool off and they cool off, or else we'll go back to what I left." He continued his kitchen work and just said, "it's okay, stay, I understand." Then I woke up.

It was the strangest dream ever. I mean, one minute, Adam was everything I needed and the next, he was being distant and I was wondering why I was there. And in a sense, it's just like real life, for a while there, he was everything I needed, and now, we're different, we're distant. Is it possible to need someone too much, so much that you accidently push them away..?

There are a few things in my life that keep me going when things get rough: friends, music, books, the beauty of nature, etc. There were two main things getting me through lately, music, until I discovered that no song really says how I feel anymore. First of all, for a song to say everything you're feeling, you kind of have to know what it is you're feeling. When you're in a mood like I have been where you just want to hide away from everything that exists, and from all the sounds of the world going on without you, and you want to block them out along with the sounds you know you enjoy-like the sound of your favourite song..that's when a good book comes in handy. That's when you can curl up in your room and read and hide away from your life and from your problems, and lose yourself in someone else's life just for a little while..just for a chapter, and then another, and then another, and you can add what the character is learning to what you're learning about yourself through this quiet, because you just need this silence to overtake you for a little longer until you can go into the world and say this is who I am. For now, you just thank the silence that overtakes the room, and thank the blanket for being so darn comfortable, and you can just be here in the silence..and not feel alone..that's what I've been missing and hence, that's what I've spent my days hiding away for (other reasons too but let's not even bring them to the surface when they are already tucked below.)

I love my headphones and my ipod too for that matter. I love that lately I can pick it up and play songs I've discovered somehow. Songs that say exactly how I'm feeling in the words I couldn't put my feelings into. I love that I can put it on and walk to class admiring the sunshine and the view of the trees, the sky, everything. I love the look people give me, the same look I used to give to people wearing headphones, a look of wonderment regarding which song they were listening to, and whether they had them on to avoid people, or just to forget the pain of this day or just because they have too much silence in their life as is. I started bringing my ipod at random moments, when I knew I'd be walking home with a setting sun and darkness would be trying to capture the world, and I just couldn't bear to be overwhelmed by that darkness without having something there to save me. Now, I bring them because my music gets me through the days and walking by myself seems too difficult to bear. I'd rather have the music in my ears than the hum of conversation from people who have boyfriends/girlfriends or just plain friends to walk with.

And today I learnt another reason why I love my headphones so much, because when I run into the him of the now, a soft hum of music in my ears that's telling me a story, a story that becomes ours, can play through our conversation, our first words in person, our we happened to run into each other, our looking for things to say and smiling all along..my realization that if I was myself and better...I'd be flying into the universe, overwhelmed by little butterflies of feeling..and that comes..but a lot of it is overtaken by the hum of the music.

The first song that we talked through on our first meeting today was Goo Goo Dolls-Iris.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything is made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

The second song that we talked through, when we had our random conversation during the second time I saw him today was Sister Hazel-Your Mistake.
Without you, I'm not right, I'm not fine,
I wanna be rain that tastes like wine,
I wanna be good, I wanna be great,
I wanna be everything except for your mistake.

And then..when I looked out the window I was like "hey that guy is really cute" and then I looked behind that guy and there HE was haha, weird indeed, and the song Goo Goo Dolls-Let Love in was playing.
There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in.

I'm finally going to post this entry even though him and I pretty much entered friend zone. Although we were always in friend zone, but I refused to admit it. And then tonight he started talking to me about his crush again and it was REALLY cute. And I kind of like what we are..or what we're becoming.

I'm sick, I'm a mystery, this is not what I write about though.

I write about him. The dreams I had about him. Not only do I have crazy imaginations like what it'd be like to be his..but at night when it's dark and the sky is left with only the moon and the specks we call stars..I'm left with dreams of him when I'm awake and then when sleep overtakes my sick body, it sends me into the whirlwind of emotions I was attempting to escape.

The first one was about a week ago. We were in this classroom, sitting beside each other, and out of no where, he started to cry. And I remember looking over to him, and then all these emotions overtook me, and I grabbed a hold of his hand, and I held it tight. And he looked down at our hands linked together with the cutest look on his face. And I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, "it's going to be okay."

Last night was..we were dating and we were at this play thing, except he was sitting with his friend and I was like 3 seats away. For the first part of the play, I didn't realize he was sitting there. Then some people moved and I saw him so I started poking him to get his attention. He was ignoring me until his friend pointed out that I was poking him and he just said hey. Then the dream switched and I was sitting on this couch with him. I was sitting with my knees up though and he was still ignoring me for his friend. Then, I started crying. And then:
He said: "Kare..what's wrong?"
Me: "Nothing, nothing, I'm just tired."
Him: "You said that last night too, when we were on the phone, you left at like 9 because you said you were going to go to bed because you were tired, you can't still be tired, there must be something else wrong. Tell me what's wrong hun."
Me: "I just..you've been ignoring me, all day, you've been ignoring me. And something just feels different..for the last few weeks in this relationship, something has felt different, and I'm starting to realize that you don't want to be with me anymore."
Him: "What? That's not true."
Me: "Then why am I feeling this way? There has to be a reason."
Him: "There's a lot going on in my family right now.."
Me: "Really?"
Him: "Yeah.."
Me: "Oh, okay, I'm sorry hun."
And then he kissed me.

I've been sick, as everyone knows, and I've been kind of losing myself to whatever this is. I eat a little, I sleep A LOT, and I talk to a few people. But something has been different. Normally I go around picking up everyone when they fall, only now I'm the one falling, I'm slipping, I'm falling down, slipping away, disappearing. I know a lot of people would disagree with me and I thank everyone who has been there but I'm just not sure anymore. I told my friend I was losing myself, that I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. It's like I'm floating through life, I'm there but I'm not really there. When he asked me why I felt like I was losing myself, I didn't know. I mean I'm sick, so I sleep a lot, and it's really making me think something else is going on..I mean it seems like something is wrong with my stomach obviously, it wouldn't hurt for 2 + weeks for nothing..but the sleeping..and the skipping classes (because I'm too sick to go and can only do too much with my limited energy) and the sleeping in and going to bed early and sleeping late..none of it seems like me. And I know it's stupid because I know you're allowed to be like that when you're sick..but I feel like there is more to it than that.

So I had some really strange dream last night. Now, those of you who know me well would say I always do but they seem to get stranger when I'm on meds. So, I'm pretty sure I was back in North Bay at residence and my roommates were talking to me and for some reason, I was showing them pictures of the guy I like right now. And then, for some reason, I decided to take a picture of him and a picture of me and make it a picture of us standing together. And then I put it in my MSN icon thing. Anyway, I guess a while later, he was planning on coming over so I knew I had to delete the pictures of him and the new one of us or he'd be weirded out. So I ended up deleting all of my pictures and I only had like two left..and I remember one was of shoes. But then, something happened, where I was like being arrested for something? For deleting my pictures?? And I remember I was really sad because I had deleted them all and I was scared I'd never get them back so I hoped they were still on my camera. And that's all I really remember..bits and pieces.

Anyway..I'm still sore..the meds help the stummy soreness but I get a pain in my ribs and in my right side plus headaches sometimes. I know, it's a long list, you cure one thing but you get another.

Anyway, when I was in the hospital, my nurse was really nice to me. His name was Mike and he took care of me all night (as his job) but he also just was really good with everything. And well, I never ever want to be in that situation ever ever again, but without him, it would have been a lot harder to stay calm that night. So I haven't written too many poems but this one was inspired by my hospital visit..

The walls bleed too much white paint,
there is a scratch by my arm in the wall,
and a broken hanger ready to fall.
This bed screams sickness, not health,
and everyone here carries worried faces,
but that is expected in these cases,
when your loved one is lifeless and small,
and stuck to count the marks on the wall,
while you wait and make a million calls.
But they wait to return from their dream,
but they are okay because they can't think anymore,
and thoughts are normal when the nurse comes through the door;
because they think crazy things to themselves,
they want the nurse to stay, to talk, to be there,
they wonder if they should fix their hair.
I told you it was normal though it may be mad,
but we all just want to be loved and held,
even if we're okay with the cards we've been dealt.
We're silly and we're human and not alone,
it may be a small broken down room,
but I'll be waiting, my nurse will be here soon.

Me and the him of the now, we've been talking a lot, and it drives me crazy because when he's happy, I'm happy and when he's upset, I'm upset..and when he's there, I'm happy and when he's not I'm lonely, and when he calls me "hun" it lights up my world and when he doesn't say it I say things like "have a good night kay?" or "tell me how everything goes kay?" just to make him say it.."thanks hun" he'll say. :) <3 Why does this person make us so happy and yet so sad, because we know we may never have them? So, nothing really is happening besides a lot of talking and just getting to know each other.

It's funny how fast a crush can develop..but also how fast a crush can fade. And when the butterflies begin, you're there wondering why they came into your life so quickly, so soon and how they managed to in such a cold long dreary winter. But there they are. Something about his eyes makes you feel warmer. Something about the way he pushes back his hair makes you smile. Something about the way he looks at you makes you alive. And you're right back in that moment you remember all too well, that moment you missed for a long time.

To fill you in, it's done with Brian. He's the one where the crush quickly faded. He just started to annoy me. Although he made up (sort of) for ignoring me by helping me times a billion with the club, he just annoyed me. Something about him just bothered me.

And now there's new boy..who I know probably 5 minutes of face-to-face contact and lots of hours online. But just something about him..I stayed up late to vent with him, we made plans to hang out, now I'm deathly sickly and although I feel like death and probably look like death..I asked him to come visit..and even though he had plans with his other friends..he did for like 5 minutes. It was short, but he saved me from being alone in the apartment and he put off his plans for a bit to visit little ole me. :) <3

Part of song that reminds me of him (one of many):

Colbie Caillat-Realize

Take time to realize
that your warmth is
crashing down on me.
Take time to realize
that I am on your side.
Well didn't I, didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple,
No I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realize
what I just realized
that we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another.
Just realize
what I just realized,
we'd never have to wonder
if we missed out on each other, now.

Take time to realize
that I am on your side.
Well didn't I, didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple,
No I can't spell it out for you.

So Brian is the vice-president of my club..which now has 9 members by the way which means once we get back to North Bay..I'll actually be able to start it in March once I submit all the paper work to NUSU! :) (I need 10 members to start it, I'm sure I'll get one more haha!)

For those of you who missed out on the info: I'm starting a poetry club at Nipissing. We're going to have it for poetry writers to read their work and those who like reading poetry to bring in their favourites. I'm really excited!

Anyway, Brian took a lot of interest in the club as I knew he would since he has found a new-found love for writing poetry. But he ended up being the vice-president, well he asked and I said okay. But he's been super supportive of EVERYTHING. Like he didn't let me just talk about forming this club and then leave it at that. He told me he'd join and then he made sure I went through with it. He pushed me in a good way to get things going. And he helped read over the constituition I had to make. But mostly, he made a facebook group and helped spread the word and get people to join. I also was getting a little ticked off because people were joining the facebook group (which is awesome to get the interest) but I was not sure if they were actually members or not so I wrote a message asking them to please let Brian or me know since we were trying to make an official membership list. And he sent me a message back telling me not to worry because we'll get more members once school starts again. I don't know, he's just been super duper nice and super duper supportive..

Um so yeah. About the whole him ignoring me twice at the Powers..we didn't really "make up" because I never really talked to him about how I felt about it and although I still believe it was wrong to treat me like that, I forgive him in a sense. I don't know, maybe he's just really close to the Powers and enjoys the time he spends with them. I'm not going to make excuses for the kid, it still wasn't right, and even though he doesn't know it was wrong, it feels like he's been making up for it times a trillion. I mean I know that's not why he's been like this. He's just a nice guy normally..so I'm not sure what the ignoring situation is all about. But I basically just, am not going to hold a grudge about it. It's best to just move on.

I don't know. We've been good. I helped him choose courses and he helped me with this club thing. And honestly, I know I could have done everything on my own but I also just thank him with everything I have. I was going to start the club no matter what but it was extremely helpful to have someone there wanting me to start it too. And I honestly don't think I would have been able to get as many members as he has been, and so soon. I was just going to worry about the NUSU papers (constituition and things like that) this week and members later but it's extremely nice and helpful knowing I actually have enough interest in this. I'm going to be able to start something I wanted to and I honestly don't think it would have worked out this well without him.

But I did do a whole heck of a lot on my own. It's not that I'm not giving myself credit. I went to NUSU and did all the paper work (except for the budget which I'm hoping to avoid if NUSU doesn't give us funding). And I made the poster and gave it to my English prof Kat Lee. I e-mailed Sean (VP Internal who sets up clubs) but he didn't answer so I'll just call or go to his office on Monday. I talked to Neely (sp?) at EHS who's in Nipissing and doing her placement with Emmerton and she's going to help a ton (though she hasn't e-mailed me yet and she needs to do that first?). I have meetings planned out, ideas in my head, I'm ready to run this thing! I'm excited!

In other words, I give myself credit where credit is due but Brian also deserves about half of that, and that right there, almost makes me forgive him. It makes me afraid because I know I still want to go to the Powers on Wednesdays and that he'll probably still ignore me, but maybe I just don't fit in that part of his life right now or ever.

So yeah, I don't know, I'm probably falling again? But I don't really think so. I'm not sure. I'm just extremely thankful. Maybe I like the idea of him but I'm not really sure if I like him. Maybe despite all he's doing for me, I still am weary of jumping in..Maybe I still have the mind frame as before that we're not going to work, I don't know why, I just think we're..something I don't have a word for..something that won't work?

Two weeks ago, Brian invited me to Bible study and the Powers' with him and I never thought a couple weeks ago when I sat there at the Power's house watching Brian flirt with Laura, that two weeks later I would be furious with Brian and really close to Laura. I can honestly say that I'm on the other side of the fence now. He invited me two weeks ago to Bible study and the Power's house afterwards where EVERYTHING went really well, except for the fact he ignored me while he flirted with Laura. This week, he invited me again, and Laura didn't go, and I want to be able to learn more about the Bible, I want to spend time with these people who are really nice and welcoming, so those parts went really well yet again and then Brian completely ignored me. He just kept running away. First, I sat on the couch and he went to the floor so I went to the floor but then he went to the couch and then I ended up on the couch but instead of him moving for me to sit beside him, he made me sit on the other end, two people away from him. And then he sat there and ignored me completely and laughed and smiled and had fun with someone else. And now I just am completely turned off from the guy. He was rude, he was disrespectful and in all honesty, he was a jerk. You don't invite someone to go to something with you and then completely ignore them. I think the first time I made excuses for him so I gave him another chance, and he did it again. And now I just don't want to go back there. I just want nothing to do with him.

The reason why Laura and I are on the same side now is because we've been becoming closer. And then we had this conversation about how she was mad at a friend and her friend was treating her badly because they completely ignored her, walked all over her but expected her to be like a puppy dog and go crawling back to them. She said it wasn't Brian..but after tonight, I told her how things went and she admitted that it was him. Two weekends ago, he did the same thing to her. I can't believe I am even typing this, saying this, writing this..like this guy, he seems to be the nicest guy ever and look. Anyway, two weekends ago, he used to always ask her to stay in North Bay for the weekend but she usually goes home for the weekends..so FINALLY he convinced her to stay for the weekend and she hung out with I'm guessing the Powers and he COMPLETELY ignored her as he did me.

So..I don't know what now. I really want to keep going to Bible study but I don't want to make it seem like everything Brian is doing is okay. Like that he can walk all over us, but we'll just go back and let him do it again? It's really not okay, especially since there are two of us sitting exactly in the same position. Now, I don't know if Laura had feelings for him, but I'm guessing she did, and it's just not fair. Because even if we were friends, I don't think you should treat your friends the way he's been treating us.

I can honestly say he erased my feelings tonight though. I can't feel anything for someone who treats me and someone else I am friends with that way. He was being rude, disrespectful, a jerk as well as childish and immature.

Me and Laura might go to Bible study next week as a "united front" but I really have to decide whether I can or not. I don't want to sit there and take him ignoring me again. I don't want him to think how he treats us is okay. I don't know if I trust her enough not to "fall back into him" if he talks to her, and same to me. We'll see. I don't have to decide yet, I told her I'd think about it.

Oh, another thing, I am not really sure how I feel right now. Like Tiffany said, I think I knew me and Brian weren't working out or going to work out and I had an obvious crush on him, so maybe it was good to find something to pinpoint to him and say I can walk away now. But, I also know I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I am not really sure whether I am really happy that I can move on, or really pissed that he thinks he could walk on me the way he did.

Yesterday someone I kind-of know got upset over a boy who I guess she liked and spent some time with. And I thought about how I definately didn't want that to be me. I wanted to go into this *him* (Brian) situation with a positive attitude. I liked him, and maybe I got way too excited over the fact that we were going to hang out. Maybe I looked at it as a friends thing, until everyone else got excited for me. But I didn't have any hopes or even expectations; I told myself I wasn't going to do that this time because I knew he'd ignore me and flirt with her..well maybe not that extreme, but I didn't have hope. I have no hope anymore. All the boys in my life took it with them when they walked out the door. And then tonight, it was just so..ahh. Like it started off really lonely and home-sickness being at Danika's house with her family and all. Then church with him which was really good. But then at their house he just flirted with her (Laura) the whole time. I just don't understand why he invited me if he was just going to flirt with her the whole time? I mean, I know it was probably just a friends thing with me and him, well it was obviously just a friends thing..but ouch. He told me he didn't like her, now he tells me he "doesn't know" if he likes her..and he wrote this depressing love poem..and we talked about all these things in church that gave me so much hope..and then he sat there holding her hand (they were apparently giving each other hand massages)..and then I just wanted it to go away and end and have him like me. I mean we started off the night perfect and he said he was going to come to our place for icecream cake this weekend. Then it was he had plans Friday, so why not come Saturday? But then he went from wanting to come to "I don't know..maybe..I don't want to make any commitments though." Those people we were with tonight were so nice and now I just don't want to go back. And now I'm that stupid girl who I was disgusted with last night wanted to cry over this stupid boy. But it's not even that, it's that I finally start believing in hope, I believe everything's going to be okay and that someone like him has come into my life to help me get through the homesickness thing (and okay maybe tonight helped a tiny little wee bit)...and then I come home after all this and the feelings just are there and I'm being someone I don't want to be and the hope is gone and he stops talking to MSN and all I can think about is why do I send everyone running in the other direction?

Set the Fire to the Third Bar-Snow Patrol
A song that I discovered yesterday when he said he liked snow patrol, and then he wrote his love poem that was read out in church based on the song's video..Other than that, it just reminds me of the false hope, he seems to be so far and I wish he could have picked me up and made me feel better..and once I get over the crush, I'm sure he can be a great friend..but I'm sick of this..

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from A to where you'd 'B'
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've felt so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep it

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

Boredom kicks in..

Isn't Christmas a wonderful time of year? A wonderful mix of being thankful for everything you do have, yet kind of nostalgic for what's past. But it really is wonderful, a time to thank those people who have got you through the days. Right now, it's a mix of studying and talking to my roommates as much as I can before we spend 3 weeks apart. But going back home has really been a good thing, in the last few weeks I have made a lot more friends in North Bay, and it's slowly becoming a second home. Of course, the friends from home will always know me best, but it's a really good feeling that I'll be home soon to spend time with everyone. I miss everyone.

Because let's allow ourselves to fall into the memories, we may as well, because as the stars light up the sky, I look into your eyes, and remember our once time, and it's a time of no lies, it's a time to say how we feel through gifts and surprises, because I need each and every single one of you more and more each day to give me your hand, and I hope to do the same.

Just a quick little update..

I'm so glad my Mom convinced me to come home. I was seriously almost at the level of having a break down this week. I just overwork myself 24/7 and stress about every little thing. I think I also put up a little wall when I'm around my roommates too. I mean I'm still myself, I just am more cheerful than I may really be inside, but it happens. I don't want them to actually send me to the psych hospital..though they do say they will sometimes.

Anyway, I really needed to come home and just breathe and relax. I mean the papers are still there and I really need to work on them but when I'm at home, I don't feel as guilty when I'm not doing homework as I do in residence while I'm not doing homework.

But I went to see Vanessa's Dad..yeah I know I'm a nerd and I'm crazy, I've heard it all before by now. And we sat down and had a talk for over an hour. My excuse was that I needed to return Vanessa's book, but he totally knew I just wanted to talk. And I needed it more than ever. He just let me vent and was so nice and asked so many questions. And when I told him about the almost break down he was like "oh my god kid! that's not good!" Anyway, we just had a really really really really..did I say really? good talk. And I just vented and vented and talked an earful but made sure to ask him questions too, being all worried about the family and such. Anyway, sorry to keep going away from the main point. What I was trying to say is this: I was telling him about how hard it has been because when I'm in North Bay, I miss home, and when I'm home, I miss North Bay. And I just said how stupid it is because I feel like all my friends went away and met all these new friends and started this whole new life (*cough, cough* what Ky did to me). And I just explained how I felt like I didn't do that and that I was stuck being pulled in different directions because I have a little bit of each life and each is equally important. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing anyone here..it was just a way to release how I was feeling, and see if he'd say anything about Ky. And then he said this..he explained how as time goes on, North Bay will be more my life than Espanola. The friends I still have here will move away, and there will really only be my parents to come back to and friends just on holidays. And he said this thing about how time goes on, the North Bay life would come together more and be more like how I was hoping for. Because as time goes on, the distance between the two will fade.

Now I'm not saying I want to let go of one life for the other. I'm not saying North Bay will take importance over home. I'm just saying that the talk and that saying left me feeling so fulfilled, it really helped me see things. His darn son didn't ditch me or whatever because of whatever..it could just be that his darn son was getting too hurt by trying to hold onto two different lives. So his darn son let go of me and took importance over his Laurentian life. And heck, what can I say?

I don't know. I apologize for the millionth time for bringing this up but I didn't think to bring my darn diary home with me from rez. And well, he's been on my mind because everyone needs a him to think back to, it's just way too depressing to think you're truly alone, and that you never even had a chance of having something when you did. If that makes sense.

Anyway, then I saw Tiffi and "drama drama drama," as How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days would say. But it was really good. I love being home when these things happen and feeling like I can be there in whatever way I possibly can. I hate when people go through things and I'm in North Bay because I feel like I'm not helping as much as I'd like to. It's really hard for such a helpful person like me not to just jump in a plane, car, bus, heck walk to whoever needs my help whenever they need my help. And with the distance and the stress of homework, it's just been hard to be there for people. And I apologize often and I'll say it again because I know how hard it is when you have to go through something alone. But I think/hope I can make up for this damn distance thing.

P.S..I'm a VERY helpful person, please don't forget that I have problems too (even if they are stupid school-work or boy-related or whatever problems).

Is there a reason that we're here?

Yup. I'm pretty sick of him. I'm not really. I love spending time with him, I love talking to him...but yup, I'm pretty sick of not knowing. Like, I hate it so much that we can spend summers, holidays, weekends together and we get along more than perfectly, spend all this time together, have all these great and wonderful easy going talks about random interests and then it's back to never talking to him again until the next holiday. I don't understand why we keep having all this if nothing is going to happen. I mean, sure, we can be friends, but do friends really treat each other this way and then go back to northing? Like, I don't even understand what we are half the time. It doesn't even really matter what we are. I'm there when he needs me and when he doesn't, I'm not. It's like when I'm there, we're friends, he likes to spend time with me. But when I'm not there, he could really care less.

Everytime we're away, I feel a distance I can't take. Watching you drive away, it kills me

We talked a little bit about it. We were alone in the kitchen (he was helping me with homework) and I said something about how he should make more of an effort to talk to me, go on msn more often. And then he used his same old excuse of how he's just too busy to go on msn. And I just said I understood that but that I had gotten used to talking to him that first week, hell..that I got used to talking to him period and then he always disappears and we only talk at holidays. And he looked at me and told me to my face "oh well." I don't know, it was so weird because he said it nicely, but he was basically breaking my heart. And I just made a joke about how to me I was all like ahh we don't get to talk, but to him it was oh well we'll talk next time I'm in town. I don't know.

He spends 92 minutes on a Tuesday night driving to meet the one that he might never see again. When they spend time alone, where no one can distract them from finding out if they clash or compliment.

It was a really good weekend. It was really good to see Vanessa again and her fambly too. It was good to feel "at home" again. It was good spending a car ride to Sudbury with her Mom telling stories and talking. And it was good spending alone time with Ky (even if it turned out how it did.) It was good telling her Dad all about my life now. It was good sitting around telling stories like old times, like I could just go back in time, where I could just sit beside Kyle and pretend everything was okay..because it was, even if we didn't work out and even if I STILL can't convince myself whatever it is I need to convince myself, it was still okay..it was still time spent with people I care about and for the most part, who care about me.

'Cause it's still in my mind, that it's always the wrong place at the wrong time. So let's fact the facts, we all make mistakes.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately. And I don't know why really. I can't even really explain what about him I've been thinking about. I've been remembering our moments, and trying to send myself back to that time, just to maybe make sense of the whole mess of a situation. And then Janelle and I had another poetry night where we read a bunch of poems about him, and the whole thing bothered me again because he doesn't know these poems are about him, he doesn't know these poems exist..and yet I share them with so many people and say to them they're about him and what we went through. Maybe I understand things a little more now, maybe I even learned from the whole situation. But maybe I just think it's time to get things sorted out, put things out in the open once and for all.

So before you pack your things and go, there's one last thing that I want you to know.

Maybe I just need to talk to him once and for all. Plus I had this weird dream where my cousin was crying because he was late for his first date and he was saying how everything with this girl was going to be ruined now because of this one mistake he made. That's exactly it, I make mistakes, I mess up, and I don't really get another chance. With the guy I recently had a bit of a crush on, he didn't give himself a chance to get to know me, he didn't let me in, so we never got anywhere because he discared me so soon as someone he didn't have time to get to know. And with the memories and person I've been thinking of, things were never said, things were never really explained. We never went back to what we had. Maybe I still regret a little not saying how I felt. Sure, I understand why I didn't and I understand what I did at the time..but maybe now is the time to say something, to just tell him..I don't know. I miss him so much and I don't know why. Maybe I just miss the idea of him. I just, I don't know if I want to think this anymore. All of a sudden I started thinking of him and remembering him again pretty much out of no where, and now I have the chance to spend the whole weekend with him. And maybe he won't even be in Espo for the summer. I mean I keep having all these moments and memories with him, and each time they mean so much because I feel like they're ending, but then he comes back, and maybe it's just a sign to sort this out once and for all. I mean I know I could move on, it's just so hard to move on when you're not ready to let go, or when you don't have someone else to hold onto. And I have moved on, I just think that this is different, it's not an I want to tell you this because I haven't moved on..it's more like it's something that I want you to know because I think I'd feel better if you did know. And then maybe I can get some answers too.

You can't find happiness if you won't let go.

I need to just, tell him how much he means to me or something. I can't really plan what I'm going to say. I can't really plan if I'm going to say something. It just basically depends how the weekend goes. But when I heard he would be there too, I was so excited. I jumped all around and got so excited that I'd have yet another chance to see him. Maybe it's because there's still a little feelings for him way down there somewhere that I'm not ready to let go of..maybe it's this idea I have in my head that the only thing that stood between us was wrong timing. Or maybe I still haven't learned to tell myself I could be wrong. But I could be wrong, and this could all be wrong. And all this thinking and questioning could be wrong and not worth it, but I doubt it, I'll experience another experience this weekend, and we'll just see how it goes from there.

Without you by my side, it's not the same from day to day. Can't bear to hide, the words that I've refused to say. You see, I've found I'm lost without you around. I miss you, so come home soon.

Maybe I don't feel the same anymore. Maybe I remember how infinte I felt when I was with him, and maybe I miss that feeling in general, rather than missing him. I miss sitting around with him and my best friend and their family and feeling like everything was okay. He was a part of that, he is a part of that feeling and that sense of belonging just as much as they are. And maybe him acting this way towards me makes me feel like there's something wrong, because it isn't like how it was.

And we've been running from ourselves so long that we couldn't find our way. Now the winds have shifted us to where we hope to stay.

Okay, so Kaitlyn came to visit this weekend which was so awesome!! :) And I'll tell you what we did, and of course it was awesomely fun! I missed her sooo much! It was really awesome to be able to see her again and to show her my place and have her meet my roomies. It also made me really miss home and I'm so frigin excited to go home for Thanksgiving and hopefully for a week for placement if all works out (I'm thinking it won't but I'll try and keep positive thoughts.)

Friday
I did homework, talked to roomies, hung around here as usual until 9 when Kaitlyn arrived and her parents too! Oh wow, it was so good to see them again! I went downstairs in my brand new white with light blue letters, Nipissing University sweater! Her parents came up for a bit, and we signed Kaitlyn in when they left (since apparently you have to sign weekend guests in now.)

We then went into the lounge because we planned on watching the Keith Urban dvd she brought me, but apparently they don't have a DVD player in there anymore. So we sat and talked until Lea offered us her laptop to bring in there..but then we ended up watching it in the common room here anyways. But we mainly talked through it and I tried to tell her as many stories as I could possibly remember! We went to bed that night and talked in my room yet again some more..it was so great to catch up again. Her bed got set up and we fell asleep around 1AM.

Saturday
We woke up about 10:30ish and had some waffles. Soon after, we both got dressed and ready. The girls were going to the mall but I didn't really want to go because you have to take two buses to get there, and I just went the other day so I had nothing to buy, so we didn't. We decided to go for our walk instead. It was cloudy but it was an okay day outside despite that. We walked down to the university, then up through the athletic centre parking lot, then down the trail to the lower residences, and finally back up the hill to Governors.

We got home from our walk and made tacos for lunch and then played cards like old times! Around 4:30ish, we caught the bus to Kelsey's for supper. We both had yummy clubhouses but she had hers with salad and me with soup, it was VERY good! Then we came here and talked in my room for a long time and weren't really sure what we were going to do. But then about 8ish, the roomies asked us to go for a walk to Timmies with them so we ended up doing that. It was a nice night for a walk. I think we were pretty tired though. We came back and went to sleep about midnight.

Today
We woke up bright and early at 10AM. Kaitlyn had waffles and I had pourage. We played another game of cards since we were tied 1-1. I won! We watched some random television (there's not much on tv here ever though.) We both got all dressed nice and pretty hehe. We ate Mr. Noodles for lunch. But mostly, we spent the day in my room sitting and talking again. I hope I didn't overtalk, I tried to ask her questions too, but I just had so much to say to her about my time here. It was so nice being with her again, I forgot how much I missed her, well didn't forget, but maybe didn't realize exactly how much. Our friendship is one of a kind, it really is.

Anyway, Lea gave us a ride to the bus station and I hugged her goodbye and almost cried in the car and probably would have if Lea and Melissa weren't there, just because it was soo nice spending time with her again and having her stay here and having her here to talk to. But in 5 days, I get to go HOME!

---

Yeah..reading possibly week in Espo is kind of scary though. I was right when I said that "university is a rollercoaster ride." It really frigin is, it's not really fair, but what can you do about it? You have to go to school to get to that place where you want to be in life. Plus, I love it here and wouldn't trade the experience. But it is really hard sometimes. I (along with everyone) start to miss those friends from home who have known you those 18 years of your life (like Kaitlyn), but also the friends who knew you for 4 years of your life (Vanessa, Tiffi.)

I don't know. I'm just kind of worried. I really want my placement in Espo because I really need that time to catch up again, but also, after a week, it might be hard coming back. You have to learn to develop a thick shell I think. Hopefully by the end of the week, I'll be excited to come back and talk to Melissa, Janelle and Lea again. It's frigin' hard to leave home, but I couldn't have stayed there forever. This will maybe bring me closer to my friends and family from home because the ones that can make it through this with me will probably be the ones who stay in my life forever, and I will become closer to my family because I'm all growing up and such. And I will meet friends like that in North Bay too. I'm sure this must get more like habit as time goes on instead of being so freakin' hard.

Plus, I am coming home for reading week, a week after hopefully to stay at Vanessa's for a weekend while she's in Espo for her reading week, then I'm planning a trip in November, Christmas in December from after exams til Jan. 8, an actual reading week (where I don't have a placement) in February, Kaitlyn hopefully coming for some of her March break, I finish school in April..so I think it will fly by, September sure did! And well, I have AWESOME friends and roomies who helped me get through it so far, and they'll continue to be there and I'll do the same and everything will be a-okay as long as we have each other.