It's just that kind of day..

'Cause it's still in my mind, that it's always the wrong place at the wrong time. So let's fact the facts, we all make mistakes.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately. And I don't know why really. I can't even really explain what about him I've been thinking about. I've been remembering our moments, and trying to send myself back to that time, just to maybe make sense of the whole mess of a situation. And then Janelle and I had another poetry night where we read a bunch of poems about him, and the whole thing bothered me again because he doesn't know these poems are about him, he doesn't know these poems exist..and yet I share them with so many people and say to them they're about him and what we went through. Maybe I understand things a little more now, maybe I even learned from the whole situation. But maybe I just think it's time to get things sorted out, put things out in the open once and for all.

So before you pack your things and go, there's one last thing that I want you to know.

Maybe I just need to talk to him once and for all. Plus I had this weird dream where my cousin was crying because he was late for his first date and he was saying how everything with this girl was going to be ruined now because of this one mistake he made. That's exactly it, I make mistakes, I mess up, and I don't really get another chance. With the guy I recently had a bit of a crush on, he didn't give himself a chance to get to know me, he didn't let me in, so we never got anywhere because he discared me so soon as someone he didn't have time to get to know. And with the memories and person I've been thinking of, things were never said, things were never really explained. We never went back to what we had. Maybe I still regret a little not saying how I felt. Sure, I understand why I didn't and I understand what I did at the time..but maybe now is the time to say something, to just tell him..I don't know. I miss him so much and I don't know why. Maybe I just miss the idea of him. I just, I don't know if I want to think this anymore. All of a sudden I started thinking of him and remembering him again pretty much out of no where, and now I have the chance to spend the whole weekend with him. And maybe he won't even be in Espo for the summer. I mean I keep having all these moments and memories with him, and each time they mean so much because I feel like they're ending, but then he comes back, and maybe it's just a sign to sort this out once and for all. I mean I know I could move on, it's just so hard to move on when you're not ready to let go, or when you don't have someone else to hold onto. And I have moved on, I just think that this is different, it's not an I want to tell you this because I haven't moved on..it's more like it's something that I want you to know because I think I'd feel better if you did know. And then maybe I can get some answers too.

You can't find happiness if you won't let go.

I need to just, tell him how much he means to me or something. I can't really plan what I'm going to say. I can't really plan if I'm going to say something. It just basically depends how the weekend goes. But when I heard he would be there too, I was so excited. I jumped all around and got so excited that I'd have yet another chance to see him. Maybe it's because there's still a little feelings for him way down there somewhere that I'm not ready to let go of..maybe it's this idea I have in my head that the only thing that stood between us was wrong timing. Or maybe I still haven't learned to tell myself I could be wrong. But I could be wrong, and this could all be wrong. And all this thinking and questioning could be wrong and not worth it, but I doubt it, I'll experience another experience this weekend, and we'll just see how it goes from there.

Without you by my side, it's not the same from day to day. Can't bear to hide, the words that I've refused to say. You see, I've found I'm lost without you around. I miss you, so come home soon.

Maybe I don't feel the same anymore. Maybe I remember how infinte I felt when I was with him, and maybe I miss that feeling in general, rather than missing him. I miss sitting around with him and my best friend and their family and feeling like everything was okay. He was a part of that, he is a part of that feeling and that sense of belonging just as much as they are. And maybe him acting this way towards me makes me feel like there's something wrong, because it isn't like how it was.

And we've been running from ourselves so long that we couldn't find our way. Now the winds have shifted us to where we hope to stay.