It's just that kind of day..

Things have the weirdest feeling when they are ending. At high school, when a class is ending for the semester, I believe I thought "thank you God." At university, it's a different feeling, an undescribable one. You look around at the people you know, and the people you don't, and the ones you wish you knew. For example, there's a guy in my history class who looks so much like Ky. I just remember in first semester, it was like a link between the past and the present. And today, I had to walk past him a few times to sit with Allison and at the end, I asked him if he'd like me to take his questionnaire to the front and he gave it to me and thanked me, and I felt like this time I was connecting the present to the past and what could be in the future all in one tiny moment. Then there was history seminar, where I went to a different one to get the review my class wasn't going to do (because we're a week behind) and there was the guy with orange curly hair that I think is the cutest guy in the world. He seems really quiet and he usually sits alone and it makes me really sad, partly because I didn't have the courage to go sit with him, and partly because I was sitting with other friends. And he was there, and at one point, the professor said something about how I'd have to go through EVERY folder to find my work, and I was like "oh boy!" and he looked right at me and laughed. And I was just all happy he noticed me back.

So it's different, things feel complete and incomplete all at the same time. You're sick of being in these classes, all of a sudden the funniest professor isn't so funny to you anymore, the most cheerful professor isn't so cheerful to you anymore, English doesn't seem so interesting (just repetitive themes, it's time for new reads), and psychology just makes you yawn instead of making you curious about so many things in the world.

You see all the people around that you normally do, but you don't feel like saying your name anymore. Sure, you still say hello to people and hold doors open for them, but you're not really as into it anymore. You're doing it because it makes you feel good about yourself, whereas before that feeling was mixed with the feeling of wanting to meet people. Now, you just wonder what's the point when you're going to be living in a thousand different places for four months and no one will be able to come visit.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to come home more than anything. It's just a little funny how many times I catch myself saying "I just want to go home" these days. And that feeling is there because I don't like being stuck in between things. I don't like being stuck inbetween hellos and goodbyes. I hate that I can't really meet anyone, because we're all leaving. And I know every other student is feeling a similiar way. They want their classes to end, they want their exams to end, maybe they don't want to leave friends/relationships behind, but they also don't want their classes to continue on forever just so they can stay and be here with people (I don't think).

And of course the school year is shorter which seems really strange. We deserve our early summer so much, but it's a little strange to see the t-shirts in my closet and go "uh why'd I ever pack these?" I mean I was here for fall (cold), winter (colder), spring (cold)...why in the world did I ever think I needed so many springy/summery clothes!? In other words, we're going on "summer" holidays when it's not really summer. So much has happened to us, for us first years we put on completely new shoes and had to learn how to walk all over again, finding who we are in this new place and establishing friends and enough to keep us going through the days, but now it's ending.

But wasn't there some saying about how every ending brings a new beginning? I think so. I mean, it's strange to think first year is almost over but it's nice in a sense. I accomplished a lot this year. I got sick, unfortunately and some things went wrong but it was all just the path I took. One thought I had the other day was..there comes a time when you have two paths to choose from (two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both *Robert Frost*). And you stand there by yourself for a long time and think. You try to see what you can of the paths. You walk a few steps in each direction. But, eventually, after weighing each option, you choose one. And sometimes you can walk along this whole darn path until getting to the end and realizing it's a dead end-and you should have taken the other. But, sometimes it's worth it to have that lesson in hand right? Next time you choose, you'll have the knowledge of knowing one could be worthless and the other could contain so much. Even the dead end one could contain so much. I know I'm rambling here and not making any sense, but what I mean, is that I chose Nipissing, and though I wondered at times whether I was in the right place, I think in the end I realized I was/am. The path may have been bumpy at times and sure there is a lot of twigs someone should have picked up along their way, and a lot of parts that could have been more clear, but when I got to the end point, when I got to where I am now, at the end, I'd still turn around and choose this path again. The bumps and twigs can be moved the next time I travel the path. :)

I can stand at the dead end now and think of everything that went wrong and what I would do differently, or if some things were simply out of my hands, too tough to control. But I can decide some goals, which twigs are worth picking up and which ones should simply be left.

Right now, I want to choose that other path, one that leads me back to summer. One that leads me back into my past, living back at home and spending time with friends from home, working at a job I love with people I know, walking around a little town that you can walk from one end to the other, swimming in the pool, laying out in the sun, reading and writing. :) And it's so close I can feel it, but I'm not quite finished this path yet.